The real Super Bowl MVP: Sideburns!

02/05/2008

I was in Vermont a few weeks ago, over the recent three day weekend (Thanks, LBJ!). It was a great trip, full of maple-flavored foodstuffs, snowshoeing, beer, and more cheese than you can shake a stick at. If, you know, you're the sort of person who shakes sticks at inanimate foodstuffs. Anyway, it was such a good trip that I decided to do what any good Vermonter would: turn my too-lazy-to-shave stubble into an honest to god beard. It was thick. It was luxurious. It was red.

It was also terribly unlucky. The drive home took several hours than the drive there, even with (or maybe because of) the GPS. I couldn't land a new job, even after more interviews than I can remember. The beard got into an argument with a friend of mine. The Chargers stunk in the AFC title game. The missus had rug burn on her cheeks. I could go on. An ugly situation all around.

By Super Sunday, it was clear something had to be done. Drastic measures would be required. Boldly, I took my Mach 3 Super-duper Power Turbo Razor in hand. In a matter of minutes, the viking mane was transformed into gi-normous, California shaped sideburns (Ok, I'm homesick. Deal with it.). Thus reborn, I proudly put on my Repli-thentic (Whatever that means) 1990 red Joe Montana 49ers jersey and ventured out to watch the game somewhere in Morningside Heights, looking like Hugh Jackman's Wolverine (at least the facial hair).

By now, you all know what happened. The Patriots played like they had somewhere to be. David Tyree defied the laws of physics. Eli played like his older brother, and for once, I don't mean Cooper. The Giants won the freaking Super Bowl.

And I went 7-2 on my props, only missing on a shot in the dark highest scoring quarter bet and a Patriots-biased double result hedge.

So, you can have your trophy, Eli. You can have all the glory. But just consider: would you really have played the game of your young career if I hadn't done my best General Ambrose Burnside impression that very morning?

Sure, some of the kinks still need to be worked out. I haven't found a new job yet. But I haven't lost my current one, either, which is nice. The sideburns are on good terms with my friends. And Joe Montana is still the greatest quarterback of all time (for now).

But, still: All hail sideburns!